Today’s entry is brought to you by Max Lavergne, the writer behind reallyreallyreallytrying.tumblr.com.
Look, there is no reason why you can’t call this a “pizza”. Is it a disgusting mess that makes my mouth feel greasy just looking at it? Yes it is! You idiot! But it’s also cheese on top of dough with chopped sausage meat and what is either a dollop of tomato sauce or blood and that is the basic essence of pizza, right there. (If you showed it to an Italian pizza master he’d probably decree a blood vendetta against your whole family, but that shouldn’t change anything. It’s just how they roll in the ol’ cowboy boot.) So please feel free to call this a “Cabana pizza”, bigbueg! That is not the problem! The problem is that you’re putting it on Instagram, homie, why are you putting it on Instagram. It’s horrible, bigbueg. It looks like the last meal a brain-damaged orphan would make before they died of scurvy. Assuming the orphan was still strong enough to climb into the dumpster to retrieve this garbage and then climb out again and cook it somehow. Is that how you want people to see you, bigbueg? I’m gonna go ahead and assume you’re bachelor because ha ha of course you are and here’s a tip: you need to hide this shit. It’s OK to be a disgusting slob, but don’t publicise it, unless you want to be wanking into a tissue when you’re 45.