There is nothing worse than people publicly trying to bulk up, or get ripped, or whatever the term is for putting your body through extreme dietary and gym regimes to grossly improve your physique due to lack of self-esteem. Because let’s not beat around the bush here - excessive gym attendance is a very clear sign you aren’t having enjoyable consensual sex with other people. Gym is dessert for the 9 to 5 shit-sandwich life serves us all - what sort of person would look at those shirtless walking delusions at dance festivals and think “There we go, that’s where I need to be” and then waste precious leisure time achieving that goal? Are they fucking insane? Am I missing something - do you get a free car once you become ripped? Do you get an overseas holiday? They aren’t even sports stars or cage fighters or someone cool like Arnold Schwarzenegger or anything at all - they are just people that can waste a lot of free time.
If there’s one thing I hate more than (well, just as much as) some skinny virgin on the Facebook road to getting ripped, it’s a fatty trying to shed the pounds and letting us all know about it. I’ve never seen someone fat ever reach their goal. And it’s that perpetual chubby-fat that I hate the most - the subtle, overweight zone people remain in for most of their lives to give themselves something to worry their stupid fucking minds over. Every single fucking meal. Constantly bringing the world down with their: “Oh that’s a bit fatty, I’ll only have a little bit of butter on my 15th water cracker loaded with avocado and cheese” bullshit. Guess what Miss Piggy? You’ve been saying that for years and you’re still a fucking overweight sack of sadness so shut the fuck up with the endless ‘trim the fat off every (excessive) meal’ mantra and take your skin tight 3/4 cargo pants, beaded necklaces, Kimbra loaded iPods and skim milk whipped cream mocha-chinos and your raised by Today Tonight family off to Subway where you belong.
Ugh, I couldn’t leave it at that - Subway - what a shitty store. I’ve tried food from there several times and everything reasonable tastes like fucking plastic, except those ludicrous meal-on-bread style subs featuring nonsense like ranch sauce (which isn’t even a fucking sauce) or The Meatball Sub - the holy grail of food for morons - which is ideologically so disgusting I will never try it. And that flavour they pump out of the store, ugh, it’s so orange whore at a club obnoxious, it makes me sick.
Anyway, to finish of this long overdue post, here is the catering menu at the worst wedding in the world.